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Obesity triptych

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Obesity. I know that lately I’ve been thinking a lot about it, talking a lot, and writing a bit.

I was inspired to do so by a recent report on the treatment of overweight people and fatphobia in the Polish healthcare system. I wrote about it on Instagram and Facebook – a little bit, from my own experience. About the first of the stories below. I didn’t expect to receive such a response from people. Well, „you are not alone” is an understatement… „I understand” is more precious to me than a million pieces of advice anyone could give me. Thank you <3 I know there are more overweight or obese people among us. But not only them – those who also, let’s call it gently, have a difficult, unhealthy relationship with food. I understand you too.

Furthermore, I am preparing for bariatric surgery, which involves reducing the size of the stomach. But I’ll devote more space to that at some point.

Now I invite you to a triptych ;d Written in three different places, depicting three different things.

I’m sitting on the floor in the hospital. Today, I have three appointments related to qualifying for bariatric surgery. It’s terrible, and somehow I can’t think of anything other than my obesity. It reminds me of one of the worst incidents I’ve had related to my obesity.

How was it?

I was on a bus with a friend for work purposes. I’m not sure what happened there, but I was awakened by comments from some woman about my weight. I was lying on the floor, all wet, and she was commenting on my weight. It turned out she was a doctor from the ambulance.

She was talking to the bus passengers, saying that I weigh at least 150 kg (I’m still far from 150 kg…) and that she’s losing her spine over us (not that the paramedics were helping me, not her), that I’ve let myself go. She was talking about all of this, not to me, but to everyone gathered around. EVERYONE WHO WAS A WITNESS TO MY SEIZURE could hear about how fat I am. The doctor who came to help me was commenting on my appearance in front of everyone.

Just then, I opened my eyes after the seizure. In a slight daze, I started to defend myself. I remember (confirmed by a friend who called the ambulance) that I told her how much I weigh, and that stupid b**** (I can’t think of her any other way) was saying that she weighs the same and that I should see how much better she looks.


Supposedly, she stopped when my friend told her that, as far as she knows, I am struggling with major health problems. The paramedic(s) (I don’t remember, really, I’m disoriented and in pain for several hours at least after seizures) were rather okay. She less so, but when she found out that I had three strokes and epilepsy, she also kept quiet.

I defended myself unnecessarily in that daze, really. I shouldn’t have told her how much I weigh, since diagnostically, it didn’t matter to her, as she brought up my „150 kilos” to mock me, accuse me, or get some sympathy from my fellow passengers.

That doctor messed up big time.

I have no idea what she looked like. I didn’t see her. I wasn’t even interested. I should have let it go. Just like I never bid on health problems, I don’t compete over ailments, I don’t engage in conversations about who has it worse. But I had just had a seizure. I didn’t know where I was. I felt ashamed, humiliated, angry, and closed off in my post-seizure helplessness, unable to stand up on my own, unable to think clearly. I probably cried from shame in the ambulance. But I don’t know because it was another ambulance ride I don’t remember at all.

I do remember, however, that the paramedics were really lovely to me, and I told them about my illnesses, about how I usually don’t have high blood pressure… I also know from my friend that my fellow passengers behaved really well. They moved away so I could have access to air, someone gave me water, and someone poured water on me to revive me. I don’t know how it would have been if my friend hadn’t been with me. I know that at that moment, people really behaved nicely, and I’m grateful for that.

Of course, the situation with that woman wasn’t the first time a doctor commented on my weight in an unpleasant way. I’ve been patted on the thigh, grabbed by the belly, and shaken with words like, „This needs to be taken care of/you need to lose some fat/with this weight…/anything else.” Unpleasant or even humiliating situations with doctors have happened many times.

But it was only with that woman that I cried.

On the other hand, there are doctors and paramedics who really know how to behave. Just. I don’t know if it depends on their mood or the upbringing they received at home. I notice it. And I appreciate it. I appreciate it when a doctor informs me rather than judges me. Doesn’t condemn.

Recently, I accompanied someone to a psychiatric visit as an extra set of ears (this person is hard of hearing, and I am well-versed in all of their health problems). It was already another visit, we went for a check-up, for a prescription, to clarify doubts. During part of the visit, the doctor dealt with her. For most of it, she dealt with me. My weight.

She commented, inquired, recommended, and talked. I wanted to scream at her to focus on her patient and then on her own business, to put it mildly. So many thoughts in my head, but nothing on my tongue.

She offered me her weight-loss bread, but I declined.

Later, of course, I thought about it, talked to my brother, and my psychologist, and sorted things out in my head… I know how I could respond to her, but you know how it is – it never comes at the right time, especially when you’ve had strokes and quick analysis of the situation is not your strong suit.

I don’t know if I want to assist again at that doctor’s appointment in three months. I’ll probably feel obligated because I’ve been taking care of this person since the beginning of their health problems. I’ll probably go to that doctor, but there’s so much anger in me that it’s hard to describe. This time, not shame, just anger. That woman shouldn’t be dealing with me, seriously.

The day before yesterday, I went to see ‚The Whale’ with Arun (my partner) and Michał (a friend from high school). You know (or maybe you don’t), that new Aronofsky movie. A movie about a guy who weighs so much that he doesn’t leave his house.

I’m not a critic, so I’ll steer clear of a review. I’ll just write a few words about how the film resonates with me as an overweight person.

Was it shocking to me? Not really, but that’s thanks to its immense theatricality, which works better in theaters than in movies. Well, compulsive eating wasn’t shown as drastically, but it was important that it was shown at all.

Was it a portrayal of obesity? Well, not really.

I saw other things in it, tensions between selfish sympathy and empathy. Help and violence. Surrender and acceptance. And also cause and effect.

I could elaborate on each of these points for pages. About one thing, though. I wanted to write about them, at least a few points, but I don’t feel like it today. However, I feel that as an overweight person, I could somehow feel this movie differently than friends to my right and left. I’m not saying better, more, just differently. I extracted from the film these tensions and thin but clear boundaries.

I could talk about it and talk about it, and then talk some more, and for dessert, talk even more. But you have to put a period somewhere. So I’ll put it here. There will be more later 😉

I ask you to keep your fingers crossed for my qualification for the surgery. I can use every warm thought!

loosing weight loosing weight project my stroke Uncategorized

Lose that weight, Kasia! I’m 15 kilos smaller:)

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I would do (almost) everything to have a better recovery. As we know, there is no ‚magic cure’ for regrowing brain (fingers crossed for stem cells therapy!), we have to just take the best care of what’s remaining and work hard to regain/improve what’s left.

For me, big weight isn’t simply an aesthetic issue, its connected to health and preventing next diseases.

I mean: by obesity may not affect many things, but sooner or later it will.’

So i’m losing weight. 15 kilos so far!:)))))))

you can sing with me. Wow! Wow! Wow!

It’s a hard work, it’s a daily struggle, but the reward is huge. I’m not going to complain then:)


Life’s been crazy recently, so I’m bit absent. I think i’m going to be back with you soon.

My Polish blog is doing well, but it’s hard to find time to translate things… Ill try harder. I promise!:)

loosing weight project my stroke rehabilitation Uncategorized

It’s mine! Why this one?

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I was skeptical towards putting large, unnecessary exercise machine  at home. Elliptical trainer seemed to be unnecessary whim which  a) clutters half of the house, b) is easy to substitute with running, walking and such things. Even motivation from getting back part of the cost from National Disabled Persons Rehabilitation Fund (PFRON) wasn’t enough for me.

And then I was forced to use it on one of my rehabilitations and actually fell in love. It took 10 minutes of coordinating my hands and legs, or left side and right side (it wasn’t;t easy, I must say)> Silent, not too big, machine, I was waking on it with the speed higher than my running average speed, during just 10 minutes I was sweating more than during the 1 hour march. And for the first time from ages I actually felt muscle sores (which I really enjoy having).

In the end me and my parents found the machine that suited both our needs and funds. it was shipped to us and my mom put it together during one afternoon, I stood on it and…

elliptical-trainer, cross-trainer
I felt differently, the cross-trainer felt differently:( Coor dinating part went just well, only about 5 minutes;) After that the hard part came,  though. After just one minute I felt that I’ve had enough. After 5 minutes I  took a water break. I thought, oh come on, I’s shame to quit before 10 minutes. So I walked slowly, and finally made it till 20 mins and I took shower. It was just tough. The next day I had two workouts, in the morning and in the afternoon. Snail pace, I would say, but I managed to extend workout time. And again I fell in love in my brand new machine. For past week I made only two days cross-training free, one to regenerate muscles, second was yesterday (cause Mondays are Zumba days) and I’m happy. I’m not saying it’s easy – actually it’s very hard for me – but somehow I believe it’s effective.

Anyway, I’m talking about my beloved machine, but I failed to explain what is it. Let me fix this mistake.

An elliptical trainer or cross-trainer (also called an X-trainer) is a stationary exercise machine used to simulate stair climbing,walking, or running without causing excessive pressure to the joints, hence decreasing the risk of impact injuries. For this reason, people with some injuries can use an elliptical to stay fit, as the low impact affects them little. Elliptical trainers offer a non-impact cardiovascular workout that can vary from light to high intensity based on the speed of the exercise and the resistance preference set by the user. (www.wikipedia.en)

Now that you know it, I will tell you what benefits I’m expecting for myself.

Rehabilitation of my left hand, because during training you use also hands. You are forced to bend your arm and also straighten it to some extend.
Improving my coordination. Do you know how normal walking looks like?

don’t mind polish talking. I just meant to show you this coordination issue here. You know, one of the features of proper walking is alternating your walking (I really don’t know proper English expression), which is simple thing, that you move forward your left arm and right leg at the same time, same thing with your right arm and left leg. Their are in pairs, I would say. For me it wasn’t so obvious after stroke. I couldn’t master the proper pattern. Sometimes I was even immobilizing upper parts of my body. But elliptical trainer enforces proper coordination. And that is pretty great.

3. Increasing my capacity and stamina. As I lack both of them, now it’s quite important. Believe me, I’m not talking about marathon running, I feel  problems while going to the nearest bus stop too. I feel problems on stairs and everywhere. That’s why I need to work on it in comfortable environment. My Machine is going to help me, at least I hope so.

4. Loosing weight. Or, in my case, stopping gaining weight:D

So far I still moan daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadd, either I’m more sick than before, or I have worse condiiiiiiiiitionnn. And my dad says it’s both. As you are more unhealthy you have worse condition. Ehhh, smartie pants!

I know that this kind of training is not for everybody, but I know also that there is simply no exercise suitable for everybody. I’m just really convinced that my machine is a good  choice for me.

loosing weight project my stroke Uncategorized

The hormone odyssey continues

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In my first cortisol blood test everything  seems to be fine. Other basic hormones seem to be fine as well. I have clean thyroid, beautiful ovaries.

If I forgot about these stupid strokes, the landscape of my health would be pretty beautiful.

But. Someone told me that daily fluctuation of cortisol can be huge and it’s worth to take further tests. We will dig further, Ihave hospital scheduled for February (it’s not so long, but very long at the moment. I’m so eager to find out what’s wrong with me). So fa, Ihad only overnight dexamethasone suppression test. It works like that: you take a pill at certain time during night and the next day in the morning you are just going for blood test on an empty stomach. At certain time too;)

My endocrinologist said that it’s quite ‚unstable’ test so it’s better to do it in a good lab. She recommended me two labs in my city:)

Now we will be checking all feminine hormones. And everything else.

You know, the brain stroke is a one thing, but my weight makes me veery sad. It’s possible that I developed insulin resistance, of course. It leads to diabetes, true. And diabetes leads to stroke. And three strokes are too much for me.

Well, as I’m neither hormone expert, nor can I focus at the moment, I should shut up for now. I have strong impression that my readers have bigger knowledge on hormones than me. Of course I will keep you updated on this:)



loosing weight project

meet my Fat Lady – how to motivate myself to losing weight…

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gruba baba

This  money is my Fat Lady. She is a handmade money box. From salt&flour dough (does English have the name for such thing? Polish has…;) She will be painted of course, but she already eats money. She has her meal after every day in which I don’t eat sweets and I don’t touch Coke.

I’m not sure whether I’ve already told you, but I’m addicted to Coke Light. Or Coke Zero. For sweets only my mom wouldn’t give me a single penny, but for sweets and Coke…;)

Anyways. I’ve been off the coke (Light, Zero) for the first time from immemorial . It’s been 5 full days already!  Hurray (?) I miss it so much…
My mom, the Fat Lady feeder must be glad.

I miss it.

She pays.

I cry.

I had to mobilize myself to leave the leavings of unhealthy lifestyle because  I still put on weight. I’m more and more convinced it’s all about hormones. Because my fight is a fight not for loosing fat, but for not crossing a magic line of 100 kilos. And I know that it’s not about being more sinful than my friends, because being active and saint doesn’t let me lose even one gram of my body weight. Something has to be wrong. Hormones. Or I have the slowest metabolism ever and my daily demand of calories is like 700 kcal. Let’s hope it’s not that.

I haven’t accomplished any of my goals yet.


I’m lying. It’s not like I’m not able to loose weight at all.

Exactly a year ago I lost 3 kilos. But I was running every day or once in two days. And I was walking like 10-17 km daily. And I was cycling. I ate well, not too many sins. Well, I’m not able to do it again. 2 km walk is a lot for me now.

loosing weight project my stroke rehabilitation Uncategorized

If you want laugh your head off, go for zumba class after stroke

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One psychologist told me once „go to zumba class or play instrument. It’s so useful for synchronising your cerebral  hemispheres”.

Finally I went for this Zumba thing. And once a week I’m synchronising myself.

What is this synchronising thing about? 

As we all know our cerebral hemispheres are responsible for different things (we call it leteralization) Right one is more creative and intuitive, left is more logical and analytic side, it is said. And it is said that our brains function best, we are the smartest, most creative and we fan focus best when our hemispheres are cooperating flawlessly.

even if it’s not an miracle medicine for my issues I think that trying to synchronising my brain can’t do any harm. That’s why I play piano every other day and…. I signed for zumba class 

That is the moment where you can fell from your chair from laughter. Because I feel like that:

when I should feel like that:


Zumba is kind of fitness dance. Energetic and fun. But. While my group goes three steps right, I manage only one and I don’t have time to move arms;p It’s so hilarious. Frequently I must stop and laugh at myself.:D But I hope that it will get better. Remember, practice makes a champion. Step by step. Poco a poco. Maybe finally I will use my hips one day, because so far I’m just one walking (dancing?) stiffness which can’t move two body parts at the same time:)

But I hope it will get better, both my grace and my brain and one day I will be able to work normally, full time. And I will be able to focus on something and dance like this man:

Of course classes are tough for me and for whole day I’m preparing to them by taking rest and obligatory nap just right before class. And after Zumba I don’t do anything, this coordination trening is in a way more demanding for my brain than for body. I rest, watch something and go to sleep. It’s all so tiring. Add the noise (some call it music;p), people and training and you will get the nightmare of every stroke survivor. But this pain brings me joy:)

And you know what? Me, mom and the friend are laughing and have un. We aren’t skinny type (rather opposite) and I’m proud. Of each and every of us. For me it’s because literally month ago I was learning to walk like a human being not a little penguin penguin and had to focus on balance very much. And now I try to dance! And I almost understand Spanish lyrics:))


Of course that i would love zumba help me to loose weight, but i have very little faith that anything except doctor can help me…