Two days ago I had my first rebirthday of my second stroke. Lil’ stroke – it was waaaay smaller than the first one. Lil’ stroke – it hasn’t destroyed every single thing, only slowed down the process of healing, and added some inconveniences.
The stroke that didn’t change my life completely, but showed me, that my life isn’t normal. But who cares: I will work out everything. At least I hope so:)
In some ways, this stroke changed every single thing, in others – nothing. For example, I have like 99% of certitude of the cause of my strokes. I’m not scared and I don’t feel anxiety caused by Uknown.
But I didn’t mean to write about it. I want to express my feeling about living with this shit. I will focus on emotions, which have been a wreck for past few weeks. Or months?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy. Ironically, I have a feeling that my depression problems got smaller after my strokes. This year I’ve had few pretty well months! Despite that, my emotions have been shaky. Like a swing, the hugest swing in my life. Minor things drive me crazy, mad, sad, or happy, ecstatic, loving… If you know what I mean.
I also think that I haven’t made my peace with all of it. Not really being sick itself – I have an impression that this part I mastered pretty well. I mean that I see clear limitations caused by my stroke. I cry when I speak of things I can’t do. As these are absurdly small, I feel bad about myself.
My favourite example is this about the Nobel Prize. Maybe I mentioned it like 100 times now but I have to mention it in this text too. My dad told me that I will not win the Nobel Prize in literature and suggested an easier category.
It was the great joke and normally I would laugh at myself for hours, but this time it made me cry. My sadness was so profoundly deep that I could sink in it. And I’m a great swimmer, always have been one. Some other time someone told me that he doubts that I’m gonna drive a car again. Well, it was like disaster too. So far it’s been 2,5 years break (except these short trips to the bus stop, or nearest shops), now I have 1,5 year of keeping my driving licence deep in my closet as with epilepsy it’s strictly forbidden to drive for like 2 years after the attack. It’s very likely that I will not drive a car again and this prophecy will come true. BUT! if I was ok with that I wouldn’t have cried for so long, would I?
Or just a few days ago. A good friend of mine showed me a hilarious (and cute) video with a small, talented boy. And just in the moment of looking at the screen and starting to tell him that I have used to be quite talented myself and if… I didn’t finish the sentence because I instantly had tears in my eyes.
I’m extremely touchy about things I won’t be able to do. Or else: things that are bringing the greater risk for me than so called ‚normal people’. Or these…
You know, I thought about this text peacefully and I know the obvious. Each and every of us has millions of gates in front of us and every choice closes some of them keeping others opened. Or even opening new ones. But one great thing wasn’t my choice and it closed many possibilities and made me give up on many things. Now my choices are conducted by my stroke, epilepsy, lupus, my nausea, my this, my that… Against my will, against my efforts.
Somehow it struck me few days ago: I haven’t fully accepted my stroke. I want to accept it. acceptance makes life easier. You don’t have to hide your tears while talking, and explain why you made a sad face just in the middle of talking about night-long movie marathon or fireworks show that could easily cause epilepsy attack. About dancing party, that I have no power to go to.
I was close to accepting all of this and then my second stroke happened. And it doesn’t matter that there are plenty of new opportunities: this feeling keeps coming back. I try to put things in my head in order, but the order doesn’t appear. On the other side grief over lost Nobel prize isn’t reasonable when I haven’t written a single book. Now I laugh about it. But you know what I mean…
I just find it difficult to accept all that comes. Sometimes I feel it’s close and then I cry again. Emotional lability doesn’t help, you know;)
With such thoughts, my anniversary came. I do fight hard so I hope next year my rebirthday text will be more optimistic;)