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I hate my birthday. But it’s a good time to wrap up the year

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rebirth, stroke anniversary, hospitalEvery year on 3rd of January I wake up in an extremely bad mood which doesn’t leave me until midnight. Typical birthday blues. I try to have a full agenda, but this year… I had a migraine again. Vomited in the medical laboratory, the world was more painful than usual.

However, my birthday is the perfect time to share with you successes and failures of 2017. I’m gonna use numbers.

My first hero is 2:

  • 2 amazing months: July and November, when I felt well. They were full of joy, warmth and peace. Sources of their awesomeness were very different from each other but in the end, I spent two months almost without pain and depression, cherishing normal life
  • For the past two months, I haven’t been rehabilitating myself and exercising. I can’t explain it. It’s about being extremely busy and extremely lazy.
  • I started doing two cool things. I opened my business an started volunteering for poor people and against food waste. Shop gave my unemployed life bit of meaning, work for less fortunate made my need of helping others less meaningless.
  • Two things I’m actually proud of: my Lewaczka.pl blog (this one too;p) and first money earned since the stroke.
  • Two job offers. Nothing worked out of it, I have no clue why, but still: someone believed in me enough to offer me a place in his team.
  • Two brilliant blog entries from a guest star:) In Polish only, sorry!;)

12:

  • Pills I’m taking daily,
  • months since last birthday blues,
  • months till my 30th birthday

3:

  • three new diagnoses. Lupus: most likely I’ve been living with it for the past 10-15 years, not knowing about it, carotid artery dissection – could be the cause of strokes. Lupus, dissection, hole in my heart, I have many things to choose from;)
  • three hospitals I was admitted. All three admissions were planned.
  • For the third time, I was guaranteed social security money. Yay. I’m kind of covered till September.
  • 3 amazing trips. Denmark with a friend, Cyprus with family, Emirates for NCD Alliance conference... All of them were really great. Denmark was like completing lifelong dream, Cyprus nice time with my beloved people, Emirates: oh wow, it was my blog-wise achievement. Big one. I can’t stress enough how I enjoyed the time there.

1:

  • neurolupus, new kind of lupus thrown into my face. It’s about to be confirmed, now I imagine it as a little worm eating my brain and leaving me with depression, dementia and meaningless life,
  • one participation in an event of a big importance;)  well, at least for sick people,
  • new, brilliant psychotherapist,
  • one physiotherapist who has left me for the man. But I can’t be upset about it. I wish her best of luck with him, they deserve perfect life:)
  • One pronouncement saying that I’m disabled. It’s official. It’s good. It gives me a discount for a train. Twice a year;)
  • One magazine cover my face was on. I’m a cover girl;p
  • One sport I started to practice. I’m lousy. But Olympic games are once every 4 years, no worries here;)
  • Foreigner, I’m helping in settling here. He’s a friend and we are very happy to see his life easier from time to time.
  • Epilepsy attack. unexpected. Adding two years to my auto-ban;) (do not mistake with autobahn;p I mean I’m banned from driving for 2 additional years).
  • Website about spasticity I’ve consulted,
  • Day of the retired people I was celebrating,
  • the brother whom I love. But my love starts to be conditional. I don’t love him that much when he puts glass full of water on my back.

15:

  • kilos I’ve lost,

million:

  • of series that I completed,
  • hours in bed,
  • smiles and pleasant things that happened to me,
  • litres of water I drunk,
  • hours of not moving while I should move,
  • interviews I gave. It feels like a million anyway.
  • Minutes of escaping the reality.
  • of good, kind people I have around and I’ve met.

115:

  • texts for my polish blog (!!!). Only…

26

  • texts for an English version of my strokie blog. Poor result.

Zero:

  • of new strokes! None!
  • plans for that years. Many dreams though;)

It was a weird year. Horrible in many ways, but still kept finding reasons to smile. But dear my 29. and dear 2018:

by the way… one of the first songs I learned to play on a guitar. very bad. But for now it’d be perfect. Gotta try!:)

my stroke Uncategorized

My third rebirthday. Annual entry for stroke anniversary:)

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Today I have my third rebirthday.

on 21st Dec 3 years ago I had a brain stroke. That means that I’m at the same time 28-year-old, 63-year-old and 3 years old.

rebirth, stroke anniversary, hospitalEach year I feel very weird on this day. I really feel that this date is important to me, even more than my birthday. celebrating the day you were born, its something natural, but I didn’t choose the way of my growth, right? My mom says that I didn’t say ‚no’ to food, but it’s not like I was choosing it. After my brain stroke, I conducted my life consciously to the point that I could. From the diaper to the place I’m in.

Last year was a bit peculiar to me. It cant be related in few words, so I’ll leave it until the new years eve;)

Today I’m gonna be traditional. I’m gonna tell you the ways my life changed in a good way. Areas that are better now.

As you know, the life of a strokie isn’t that great. Frequently it seems to be hopeless and horrible. But there can be found things that changed for better. I truly believe that each and every one of us can find at least one such thing, even if his or her life is miserable.

Well, I have to admit, that few things changed for worse last year. surprisingly I feel weaker than last before. Strange. This year I haven’t had a stroke, the year before I did. how to explain that?:o

so many things are going for worse, I’m not gonna focus on them because there are plenty which changed my life for better. Since last year I’ve noticed a big growth. I’m letting the list expand, even if it grows that big, that it’s too long to read.

so.

what has changed in my life for better after stroke?
    1. I take better care of myself,
    2. I’ve met few new, nice people,
    3. I’ve let go few people, who were bringing me pain. emotionally it’s a great thing for me,
    4. I’m less stressed with small things,
    5. I don’t have a stressful and horrible job anymore,
    6. I’ve learned knitting,
    7. I quit smoking,
    8. sometimes I’m rested,
    9. the card ‚you know, I’ve had a stroke’ still works for me,
    10. I know why I’m oversensitive to sun,
    11. I have a PFO fixed,
    12. I’ve I’ve found a new, great psychologist and i feel that she’s the one,
    13. i’m fixing, one by one, everything that’s broken in me,
    14. i have the first thing in my life that i’m proud of. I mean my blogs.
    15.  My blogs give me satisfaction. It’s a really nice, previously known feeling.
    16. I have the energy to learn new things,
    17. I’m overcoming my boundaries and things I’m scared of,
    18. I’m more peaceful than before. I feel less irritated,
    19. I’ve learned Spanish. I can communicate in this language. And I learned it by myself,
    20. I’ve lost 15 kilos,
    21. I don’t have to give my granny rides to shops. Not being able to drive sucks, but on the other hand, I love this excuse,
    22. I see that I’m helping people,
    23. My hair fall out less,
    24. i’m thinking about myself more,
    25. I started dating,
    26. I have a small collection of figures of goats,
    27. I understand people better,
    28. I’m not that worried about money. I know its very horrible, as my parents are providing for me, but on the other hand, before I was counting each zloty with a fear, and now I’m still counting, but without fear,
    29. I get long depressive states less frequently,
    30. I get rid of stuff rather than I collect them,
    31. I’m learning to have an order around myself,
    32. If its even possible, I’m closer to my brother than anytime before,
    33. again I appreciate being outside,
    34. I have the hammock!
    35. I can do things in WordPress better and better,
    36. I have ‚my own’ business. It goes badly, but it’ll be better. one day.
    37. I have a feeling that I’m more active.

Comparing to the Polish version this list is shorter for two points;)

But still it’s impressive, isn’t it?

I like the points about being proud of myself, as for the first time I really feel pride and satisfaction. It’s a new, great feeling to think about yourself well. For a change;)

Maybe you should try to think about such list yourself? Even in despair, we can find something. For me, the first thing was realising in a hospital that I have nicer skin.

It started with one. Now list is that long!:)

loosing weight project my stroke rehabilitation Uncategorized

It’s mine! Why this one?

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I was skeptical towards putting large, unnecessary exercise machine  at home. Elliptical trainer seemed to be unnecessary whim which  a) clutters half of the house, b) is easy to substitute with running, walking and such things. Even motivation from getting back part of the cost from National Disabled Persons Rehabilitation Fund (PFRON) wasn’t enough for me.

And then I was forced to use it on one of my rehabilitations and actually fell in love. It took 10 minutes of coordinating my hands and legs, or left side and right side (it wasn’t;t easy, I must say)> Silent, not too big, machine, I was waking on it with the speed higher than my running average speed, during just 10 minutes I was sweating more than during the 1 hour march. And for the first time from ages I actually felt muscle sores (which I really enjoy having).

In the end me and my parents found the machine that suited both our needs and funds. it was shipped to us and my mom put it together during one afternoon, I stood on it and…

elliptical-trainer, cross-trainer
I felt differently, the cross-trainer felt differently:( Coor dinating part went just well, only about 5 minutes;) After that the hard part came,  though. After just one minute I felt that I’ve had enough. After 5 minutes I  took a water break. I thought, oh come on, I’s shame to quit before 10 minutes. So I walked slowly, and finally made it till 20 mins and I took shower. It was just tough. The next day I had two workouts, in the morning and in the afternoon. Snail pace, I would say, but I managed to extend workout time. And again I fell in love in my brand new machine. For past week I made only two days cross-training free, one to regenerate muscles, second was yesterday (cause Mondays are Zumba days) and I’m happy. I’m not saying it’s easy – actually it’s very hard for me – but somehow I believe it’s effective.

Anyway, I’m talking about my beloved machine, but I failed to explain what is it. Let me fix this mistake.

An elliptical trainer or cross-trainer (also called an X-trainer) is a stationary exercise machine used to simulate stair climbing,walking, or running without causing excessive pressure to the joints, hence decreasing the risk of impact injuries. For this reason, people with some injuries can use an elliptical to stay fit, as the low impact affects them little. Elliptical trainers offer a non-impact cardiovascular workout that can vary from light to high intensity based on the speed of the exercise and the resistance preference set by the user. (www.wikipedia.en)

Now that you know it, I will tell you what benefits I’m expecting for myself.

Rehabilitation of my left hand, because during training you use also hands. You are forced to bend your arm and also straighten it to some extend.
Improving my coordination. Do you know how normal walking looks like?


don’t mind polish talking. I just meant to show you this coordination issue here. You know, one of the features of proper walking is alternating your walking (I really don’t know proper English expression), which is simple thing, that you move forward your left arm and right leg at the same time, same thing with your right arm and left leg. Their are in pairs, I would say. For me it wasn’t so obvious after stroke. I couldn’t master the proper pattern. Sometimes I was even immobilizing upper parts of my body. But elliptical trainer enforces proper coordination. And that is pretty great.

3. Increasing my capacity and stamina. As I lack both of them, now it’s quite important. Believe me, I’m not talking about marathon running, I feel  problems while going to the nearest bus stop too. I feel problems on stairs and everywhere. That’s why I need to work on it in comfortable environment. My Machine is going to help me, at least I hope so.

4. Loosing weight. Or, in my case, stopping gaining weight:D

So far I still moan daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadd, either I’m more sick than before, or I have worse condiiiiiiiiitionnn. And my dad says it’s both. As you are more unhealthy you have worse condition. Ehhh, smartie pants!

I know that this kind of training is not for everybody, but I know also that there is simply no exercise suitable for everybody. I’m just really convinced that my machine is a good  choice for me.

loosing weight project

meet my Fat Lady – how to motivate myself to losing weight…

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gruba baba

This  money is my Fat Lady. She is a handmade money box. From salt&flour dough (does English have the name for such thing? Polish has…;) She will be painted of course, but she already eats money. She has her meal after every day in which I don’t eat sweets and I don’t touch Coke.

I’m not sure whether I’ve already told you, but I’m addicted to Coke Light. Or Coke Zero. For sweets only my mom wouldn’t give me a single penny, but for sweets and Coke…;)

Anyways. I’ve been off the coke (Light, Zero) for the first time from immemorial . It’s been 5 full days already!  Hurray (?) I miss it so much…
My mom, the Fat Lady feeder must be glad.

I miss it.

She pays.

I cry.

I had to mobilize myself to leave the leavings of unhealthy lifestyle because  I still put on weight. I’m more and more convinced it’s all about hormones. Because my fight is a fight not for loosing fat, but for not crossing a magic line of 100 kilos. And I know that it’s not about being more sinful than my friends, because being active and saint doesn’t let me lose even one gram of my body weight. Something has to be wrong. Hormones. Or I have the slowest metabolism ever and my daily demand of calories is like 700 kcal. Let’s hope it’s not that.

I haven’t accomplished any of my goals yet.

PS

I’m lying. It’s not like I’m not able to loose weight at all.

Exactly a year ago I lost 3 kilos. But I was running every day or once in two days. And I was walking like 10-17 km daily. And I was cycling. I ate well, not too many sins. Well, I’m not able to do it again. 2 km walk is a lot for me now.