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my stroke

It’s first anniversary of my second stroke. I still haven’t made my peace with everything

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Two days ago I had my first rebirthday of my second stroke. Lil’ stroke – it was waaaay smaller than the first one. Lil’ stroke – it hasn’t destroyed every single thing, only slowed down the process of healing, and added some inconveniences.

The stroke that didn’t change my life completely, but showed me, that my life isn’t normal. But who cares: I will work out everything. At least I hope so:)

In some ways, this stroke changed every single thing, in others – nothing. For example, I have like 99% of certitude of the cause of my strokes. I’m not scared and I don’t feel anxiety caused by Uknown.

But I didn’t mean to write about it. I want to express my feeling about living with this shit. I will focus on emotions, which have been a wreck for past few weeks. Or months?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy. Ironically, I have a feeling that my depression problems got smaller after my strokes. This year I’ve had few pretty well months! Despite that, my emotions have been shaky. Like a swing, the hugest swing in my life. Minor things drive me crazy, mad, sad, or happy, ecstatic, loving… If you know what I mean.

I also think that I haven’t made my peace with all of it. Not really being sick itself – I have an impression that this part I mastered pretty well. I mean that I see clear limitations caused by my stroke. I cry when I speak of things I can’t do. As these are absurdly small, I feel bad about myself.

My favourite example is this about the Nobel Prize. Maybe I mentioned it like 100 times now but I have to mention it in this text too. My dad told me that I will not win the Nobel Prize in literature and suggested an easier category. Continue reading

Uncategorized

What were you doing when your stroke happened?

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What were you doing when your brain stroke happened? I, myself, didn’t think about it much, but people keep asking me. And suddenly… I saw one topic on the Internet forum where strokies were sharing this information. I collected more, reminded myself stories from hospitals, and my readers. List surprised even me. It was diversified. And long. Now I am able to present thrilling collection which seems to scream „come on, it can happen anytime. Anywhere. To everyone”

let’s go then. I had

I had a stroke:

  • just after waking up
  • in work, during preparing to a hard day in the car rental place
  • while walking my dog
  • at the beginning of my job
  • during my afternoon nap
  • while Muay Thai work up
  • falling asleep
  • while driving
  • playing games n computer
  • during sex
  • gardening
  • during my wedding
  • on a couch while talking to my son
  • while talking to people from the stage
  • while sleeping
  • eating
  • during my holidays
  • during brain surgery
  • at a party in night club
  • while talking  on the phone
  • on my way to work
  • in taxi
  • during my jog
  • under the shower
  • while working
  • on the dentist chair
  • during my appearance in the news
  • while brushing my teeth
  • in the airport
  • on the football training
  • at the birthday party of my nephew
  • while vacuuming
  • working n the computer
  • while smoking
  • watching TV
  • in the hospital bed
  • while crying after the death of my cat
  • while shopping
  • cooking something
  • at hairdresser’s
  • while feeding my 5 months old baby
  • in autobus
  • while walking…

And me?

  • while driving a car
  • in toilet
  • while riding the bike

please remember that brain stroke is a very serious thing. and as it can happen at any unexpected moment, remember most common symptoms of it:

it can be a huge pain, loss of sight, loss of control in legs, loss of balance, for me once the world just felt weird, like it was spinning in a strange way… these videos show only main symptoms, but the usually occur.

Let’s hope that you will never have to answer the question about the place you have had stroke;)

 

my stroke stroke survivors Uncategorized

My huge success. Happy World Stroke Day!

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I was thinking about it a lot. I knew that for World Stroke Day (29.10). Maybe even video… But I’m so tired that I haven’t though about anything sensible.

Among others, creativity is not my strong side lately. So I decided do something else. To say proudly that I’m a journalist again and to tell you about some things around it event.

If you want to see my article, click here. 

I’m writing about it because of few things.

14924850775_a05bfebd73_oOf course I’m very proud but it’s not only about it. I wanted to say that wasn’t easy. Even process of writing itself was very tough and I even stopped rehabilitation (seriously!), I have constant headache and I’m stressed out of millions of reasons. Maybe my work is not unassisted enough, as my friend (the best editor ever) edited my text (she says that not much, but still..). Maybe the text is not good enough. Maybe I will not send next text on time. Maybe they will thank me for my help and I will lose internship. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

It’s just internship, they are not too demanding. But still I’m full of fear and doubts. But let’s go further.

I sent CV to the Foundation just before second stroke. When they contacted me lately I had millions of doubts.  But I wrote the text, noone read it, I was accepted without any help. it wasn’t easy for me, but I did it! But you know I’ve been working for it since 9th of May 2015, when I published my first note on m Polish stroke blog, www.lewaczka.pl.

I write daily. I write here, on my Polish site, I write private things just to exercise. I’ve never been so hard-working in my job I have to admit:) But it’s like 1,5 year or daily rehabilitation. It didn’t come over a day. And I wouldn’t be so determined if I didn’t know about my readers. When I get messages like this I’m over the moon.

meaning: thanks for another motivation for me. I've had my elliptical trainer for 2 years, but now I'm feeling bored with it. But from now on I'm starting training again:)

meaning: thanks for another motivation for me. I’ve had my elliptical trainer for 2 years, but now I’m feeling bored with it. But from now on I’m starting training again:)

Because I see it’s sensible. And after messages like his

i wish you fast

meaning: I wish you quick return to your home

it’s so moving for me that my eyes sometimes get wet. I can’t help it.

And when you share your stories or ask for help, i feel more than honored. And you know what – without your support, without support of my family and friends, this article wouldn’t have happened.

But ok – let’s add something bitter to this sweetness;) I’m fully aware that many people after strokes will not regain full functionality.  I’m somehow convinced that even me myself will not recover fully. I might look well, but this ‚might’ thing is nothing in comparison the ‚healthy’ i remember.

Some of us may struggle or regaining something really basic, I don’t know, like speaking or well balance while getting up. And I’m feeling guilty sometimes for talking so much about working out and faith while I stood up and moved my arms so quickly. But I see that good expectations management can bring plenty of good things to our lives. I always joke about my future literary Nobel prize, but I don’t expect it. It’s nice to dream though. It’s important to manage your goals and expectations well and always dream about bit better. The way is long and hard, and made of thousands of small steps. We go further with these baby steps, and feel this is slow. But when you look back on all the steps you’ve taken you see that road was super long. And the end is not even in sight. And when I think what I’ve achieved, it’s like a huge thing. Not only the article. Also being able to sit without any help. Walking by myself.

After second stroke (shame on it!) I feel rather depressed and full of doubts, but it’s temporary thing, not to be expressed loudly, cause I know that I’m not in a position to complain. In general there is some hope for me. And for all of us:)

Yeah. Now I’m sending all of you (all of us?) plenty of warm thoughts for a World Stroke Day. I wish all good, strokeless life, And if stroke is already here, I wish you no repetition:) And with these words I finish this exalted text and I’m going to Spanish conversation.

Un buen dia! have a nice (world stroke) day!

in my opinion stroke survivors Uncategorized

Thoughts on „My beautiful broken brain” (2016) by Sophie Robinson and Lotje Sodderland

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After seeimg this trailer I was delighted.

But when I saw that it’s available I was scared to watch it. I expected it could be a hard experience for me, stroke survivor myself, who finds it hard to discover beauty in her brand new brain.

Curiosity won. I watched it. With a cafe break in the middle because it was too emotional for me. Not because of the story, I knew what to expect after a stroke. Because of detailed insight of someone else’s stroke and all the emotions behind it. If you know, what I mean.

First time in my life I saw material that gave so close insight to the world of a stroke survivor. And it doesn’t matter that details of my experience were much different from Lotje’s. Principles stayed just the same.

If I’m faced to the question, „who am I?”, I’m someone who has huge amount of friends, very hard-working, travels all over the world, loves to read. What if all that evidence is removed? What does that make me?

says Lotje, 34-years old stroke survivor. It might seem even too philosophical, but actually most of stroke survivors have to deal with this question. And find their way of answering it. Movie is full of such questions and shows a way of finding answers. Even if it’s not always explicit.

For me one of the most important aspects of movie was filmmaking itself. I have a deep feeling that recording everything was not only a way to remember things for Lotje. It was helping her to understand what’s going on and put this brand new experience into an understandable structure. To tell the truth, my blog (first, Polish version) did the same thing for me. I was starting it with different goals, the more conscious way of experiencing myself came as a bonus. Which now is one of the most important things in my life.

All of it – story, the heroin, visuals, montage, edition looks brilliant and makes a great documentary. Really good one, modern and touching. I could easily imagine it nominated to Oscar prize, not only because it is „my” theme.

stroke

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It’s as beautiful as Lotje’s brain. Thanks for that.

P.S.

The movie is available on Netflix!:)))