Two days ago I had my first rebirthday of my second stroke. Lil’ stroke – it was waaaay smaller than the first one. Lil’ stroke – it hasn’t destroyed every single thing, only slowed down the process of healing, and added some inconveniences.
The stroke that didn’t change my life completely, but showed me, that my life isn’t normal. But who cares: I will work out everything. At least I hope so:)
In some ways, this stroke changed every single thing, in others – nothing. For example, I have like 99% of certitude of the cause of my strokes. I’m not scared and I don’t feel anxiety caused by Uknown.
But I didn’t mean to write about it. I want to express my feeling about living with this shit. I will focus on emotions, which have been a wreck for past few weeks. Or months?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy. Ironically, I have a feeling that my depression problems got smaller after my strokes. This year I’ve had few pretty well months! Despite that, my emotions have been shaky. Like a swing, the hugest swing in my life. Minor things drive me crazy, mad, sad, or happy, ecstatic, loving… If you know what I mean.
I also think that I haven’t made my peace with all of it. Not really being sick itself – I have an impression that this part I mastered pretty well. I mean that I see clear limitations caused by my stroke. I cry when I speak of things I can’t do. As these are absurdly small, I feel bad about myself.
My favourite example is this about the Nobel Prize. Maybe I mentioned it like 100 times now but I have to mention it in this text too. My dad told me that I will not win the Nobel Prize in literature and suggested an easier category. Continue reading