my stroke

My first visit in the office for disabled

lefthandLuckily, there are two or three benches outside.  Some of us are sitting, rest is treading water.

I’m  just in front of the office for disabled people. Sitting and watching people. Having a place to rest, I’m one of more fortunate. Everyone who came later isn’t that lucky. There is the small crowd, louder and more nervous every minute. People standing seem to be even more upset.

Suddenly, doors are opening and the fresh face rush towards them. „Excuse ma’am, we are all waiting!”, people are protesting. „Well, we all just want the forms!”

But yelling doesn’t seem to be finishing. The woman who succeeded in unleashing anger still wants to keep her sense of dignity. She yells a bit, insulting others. Insulting us on her way out. I’m sure that if she could, she would slam the door. To elevator.

I’m still sitting and I’m scared. Disabled in front of my face change, they come into and out the small cabinet. Some them by „taking the forms” really meant „taking the forms”. It’s my turn. I’m scared to death and become numb. Being unable to speak, I can only look and try to spell out words and feel like a hunted small animal. I regret not taking my mum. I really do.

But lady helps me. That’s the first time I hear the friendly voice in this building. After our common effort, we find out what I need. It’s not that easy! But I’m happy to be left safe and as silent as it’s possible.

On my way out I can let my doubts out. In the end, it wasn’t that bad. But I spot something extremely weird. None of the people looks disabled. No visual signs of disability in front of the bureau for disabled.

We just want to be sick officially to lead bit easier life. Absurd of need of giving the title to the disease is, at least there and then, huge. In some time I will meet these people who are going to decide whether I’m sick enough to make my life of strokie bit easier. That’s quite ridiculous.

So far I don’t have the paper proving that I’m not fully healthy in my wallet. Like others in this narrow corridor, I look very healthy. Tired, maybe, but healthy. My disability is sill to come.

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